I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
