can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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