Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
