Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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