Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
