So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
