super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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