I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
