No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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