Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
