if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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