I just pynch a tree in the face
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I love you. Go after that dick
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
