mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
