Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize