I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
