Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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