I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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