She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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