great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize