Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You need Xanax blowdarts
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
