So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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