apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
