True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
