If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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