between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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