New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
