The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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