A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
