I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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