dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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