he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
