May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
