You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
