I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize