I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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