Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
