Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
