you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
