Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
