i jhust puked up my retainher.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
