i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
