tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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