How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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