I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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