i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
