This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
