can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
