Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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