i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
