One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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