I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
