So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
