I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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