I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
