the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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