A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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