sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
