Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
