It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
