and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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