his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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