My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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