smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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