Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
