theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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