Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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