i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
