Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
