so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
