Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
