Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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