just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
