I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
